Onion Pearl

I used to read the Onion online every week. That was until the Daily Show and Colbert Report were around to fulfill all my fake news needs. I used to circulate great stories to friends under the e-mail header 'onion pearl'. I checked in today and found this great News in Brief:

Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes'
December 6, 2006 Issue 42•49
NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of television commercials yesterday urging parents to take the time to educate their hipper, better looking, and more rebellious children about the dangers of smoking. "If your child is idolized by other kids, always gets the girls, and has no patience or respect for authority figures, please talk to him immediately about cigarettes," said the ad's narrator over a montage of Hollywood stars apparently smoking after intercourse. "Parents need to keep an eye on their charismatic and persuasive children, who are at the highest risk of smoking at an earlier age, when it's most respected by their peers." According to Philip Morris' new print-ad campaign running in Maxim and Sports Illustrated, it is unnecessary for parents to discuss the dangers of cigarettes with lame children who like board games, science, and their parents.

I guess my children have nothing to worry about. It's like I always say: The geeks shall inherit the earth.