Onion Pearl

I used to read the Onion online every week. That was until the Daily Show and Colbert Report were around to fulfill all my fake news needs. I used to circulate great stories to friends under the e-mail header 'onion pearl'. I checked in today and found this great News in Brief:

Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes'
December 6, 2006 Issue 42•49
NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of television commercials yesterday urging parents to take the time to educate their hipper, better looking, and more rebellious children about the dangers of smoking. "If your child is idolized by other kids, always gets the girls, and has no patience or respect for authority figures, please talk to him immediately about cigarettes," said the ad's narrator over a montage of Hollywood stars apparently smoking after intercourse. "Parents need to keep an eye on their charismatic and persuasive children, who are at the highest risk of smoking at an earlier age, when it's most respected by their peers." According to Philip Morris' new print-ad campaign running in Maxim and Sports Illustrated, it is unnecessary for parents to discuss the dangers of cigarettes with lame children who like board games, science, and their parents.

I guess my children have nothing to worry about. It's like I always say: The geeks shall inherit the earth.


Pit Bull Noshes on Infant

This is a horrible story. A young couple sleeping next to their one-month-old infant asleep in her car seat were awakened by her cries. They found that four of her toes had been chewed off by their six-week-old pit bull. The parents, perhaps a bit unfairly, were booked on charges of child desertion and criminal negligence.

The thing that made me post this though is the post on digg.com that accompanied a link to the story. Patrick Fisher wrote:
"The parents were charged with child desertion, but the dog was charged with child dessertion."


CPR -- Cell Phone Resuscitation

Two days ago, I was a CPR first responder. My wife had been doing the dishes, feeling around in the soapy water for the next thing to wash. She drew her breath in sharply as she ripped her Motorola ROKR from the water. I have no idea how long he was under.

Too distraught to respond rationally, she handed the little fella over to me and pleaded with me to do something. "How do I shut it off? Help me shut it off!" I demanded. I spread a tea towel out on the counter, removed the battery cover, battery, memory card and SIM card. I dabbed at the case futilely to try to get at more water, but its insides were sealed. Having administered Cell Phone Resuscitation, I turned to my wife and said, "It's a waiting game now. We'll just have to let it dry out."

The little phone lay pathetically splayed out on the tea towel. Thirty-six hours passed. My wife was working again today and was eager to get her phone back in circulation. I reassembled him, and on the off chance that God exists and he is generous enough to care about an atheist's wife's cell phone, I tossed off a quick prayer before holding my breath and pressing the power button.

It lives! HELLO MOTO indeed! Incredibly, the ROKR didn't miss a beat. My wife beamed as I handed her the phone. She checked her voicemail then returned ROKR to her pocket with a reassuring pat.

PS: I should add that whenever I come up with clever little phrases like cell phone resuscitation, comedic checkmate, or jihadist hydra, I look them up in google to see if someone else could be so clever. Turns out my search on cell phone resuscitation had thirty hits, and led me to this helpful site: The Cell Freak and an article titled "How Do I Save a Wet Cell Phone?"

Interestingly, Motorola installed a submersion indicator in the battery compartment, a little white circle about 4 mm across. When the phone is submerged, the indicator turns candy apple red, voiding the warranty. The MobileMistress at the Cell Freak advises that most manufacturers install at least two of these indicators, one in an accessible location to alert vendors and sales reps to the submersion, and the other a tamper-proof one located in the phone's insides to alert technicians.